I don’t love my husband any more. But I am still in the marriage because of my kids. Is that a good enough reason? (Bimbo, Lagos)
I’ll suggest we begin by you recollecting what led you to the point of not loving your husband anymore, because from your question, you appear to have loved him at some point. At what point did you stop loving him? What did he do to warrant your withdrawal of love? I believe both of you must have been in love to have agreed to marry each other and I presume one of your vows on your wedding day would have been ‘for better for worse…’ Marriage is for the long haul therefore, you shouldn’t elope because you feel things are not working like you would want them to. Happiness is not about finding a spouse who does right all the time. Very far from it, the truth is you’ll never find a spouse who is perfect. Sis, I would encourage you not to live in denial but courageously confront the issues that are bedevilling your marriage. Marriage is not a bed of roses, and if it were, roses have thorns. You’ve got to sow into your marriage what you desire to harvest. The blending of two individuals into one harmonious marriage is a process that takes time and let me admit that making a relationship work is hard and sometimes painful. Doing what God says we should do is not always easy but the rewards are enormous.
I would like to define love as not just a feeling, but a commitment to move the relationship forward (paraphrased from Selwyn Hughes). To make your marriage work, you’ve got to work at it. Be committed to making your marriage a pleasurable experience regardless of the odds stacked against it. You both made a promise to each other on your wedding day and you should keep working on that love for each other. Moreover, it is only time and trials that can prove whether your promise to each other will be kept.
Becoming one with your spouse takes time and I will encourage you not to give up too quickly. It’s important you know that children will grow up and leave, but your spouse will remain in your life till death does you part. Therefore make a solid commitment to not become overtly focused on things that are not working in your relationship, rather focus on those qualities that endeared him to your heart. Nothing and no one except God is worth losing your spouse and marriage for.
I’ll leave you with these nuggets
- Every grief is wedded to hope
- Every sorrow is matched with love
- Every hurt is paired with healing.
One of the great guarantees of life is that every person, every couple, will go through challenges. The storms will come, the winds will blow, but it is your commitment that will determine if the boat of your marriage will safely arrive at the shore or get shipwrecked. Please don’t give up sister, speak life to your marriage and your husband. Look to God for healing for your hurts, for renewed love for your husband and for wisdom to build your home.